This Valentine’s I will be spending my day with my husband. I will also be spending the day with another love. It’s painful, but true. My husband is aware of this affair. Here’s the thing, It hurts me more, than it hurts him. He doesn’t deserve this, and yet he gives me grace. When he gives me gifts it’s so hard for me to not think of what the other man got me. When he fathers our kids, I can’t help but think what life would be like with the other man as a father. The list goes on. The other man is always on my mind.
It’s constantly there. The thoughts. It’s like I am having an affair.
I love my husband. LOVE him. He is perfect for me. But I don’t think I will overcome this love affair either. I may move forward. But it will always be there. It wasn’t bad when we were dating, because there was a lot of excitement, and a wedding to plan. But once the dust settled the thoughts began to creep in. I would watch him fold laundry and I start thinking of the other man doing laundry. Or see the difference in the way he vacuums and the clothes he wears. The pain has surfaced more now that I am married. We are 9 months in, and the love affair is still there.
My husband knows this. Talk about grace, mercy, forgiveness and patience. God knew I needed him to help me through this affair.
The affair is in my thoughts. It’s all thoughts of my first love, my first husband. He is the other man. I am or was a widow. I don’t even know what to call it now that I am married.
My thoughts not only affects our marriage, but they affect our kids too. We are a blended family. Parenting with a blended family is difficult. We didn’t just mix like you envision making a creamy smoothie in the blender. NO it’s like trying to mix water with cement powder and working to get the mixture just right before it solidifies and becomes concrete. Parenting and blending is another whole story in itself. But I believe it starts with us. It starts with ME. If I don’t work on me and who I am as a wife; then as a mom I have failed. Marriage comes first before Kids. This unity of man and woman was first before the child was conceived. And I believe I have to do the same with my second husband, even though the children were in the picture first.
This Valentine’s day, I will think of my first Love. But I am going to turn that around and thank God for sending me another Love. I will not compare, but be thankful for their differences. I will not compare, but embrace the special qualities that Brad has. I am so grateful and thankful that I married Brad, and that he is helping me through my loss.
“The emotions of death don’t die the minute you take new vows. One man does not replace the other. People are not replaceable and while you develop new bonds, new relationship, and new love – the love you had for those before never truly dies. I like to think love expands the heart. With great love my heart has expanded to allow for more great love. The two relationships are not mutually exclusive and while I love them both differently – I do indeed love them both.” -Michelle Steinke-Baumgard One Fit Widow
To my husband: Thank you for loving me through the days of me loving you and my other love. Thank you for loving me through the days I can’t stop crying because the pain is still there. Thank you that you understand the grief is still there. We never get over great loss!