In exactly one month (from the time of writing this) I will be thirty. I’m devoting this final month of my twenties to being as true to myself as I possibly can. This includes a lot of reflection, prayer, and confrontation with the things I never questioned but for which I’ve begun to feel friction and dissonance since becoming an adult. This also includes not wearing make-up for the entire month. I want to enter my thirties acknowledging who I really am without cover of concealer or status quo.

4 Things I’m Grappling With As I Enter Thirty:

1. What do I believe?

I grew up with religiously and politically conservative parents as a charismatic, evangelical Christian. My husband was a youth pastor for a small church when we were dating and first married but we have since left that church and haven’t invested or committed ourselves to another since. My perception and relationship with God, spirituality, and church is altogether different from what it was when I was entering my twenties and this still causes deep discomfort and sometimes fear. What do I believe? How much of what I do is because of conviction and how much is just habit; thirty years of ingrained complacence?

2. What do I really want?

Figuring out your adult priorities is complicated, opaque, and evolving. Do I want a three bedroom, two-bathroom house in Nob Hill and the mortgage that comes with it? Would I rather travel, live abroad, and never own a home? Do I need to have kids? What does it mean if we decide to wait longer to have kids or perhaps never have them? (This might be my frustration speaking as I’m positive that if I were pregnant I would be thrilled.)

3. What is my responsibility to the world?

My whole life has been privileged and filled with opportunity, what do I do with that? The Bible says I am to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world but what does that mean? Is kindness, generosity, and forgiveness enough or should I be taking a more active role? Albuquerque is such a diverse state and I’m thankful to have daily exposure to people with different backgrounds, beliefs, and priorities who are willing to share their perspective with me on everything from social justice to spiritual considerations.

4. Why am I insincere?

So much of my time is spent being insincere; trying to curate the exact sort of person I present to the world. This is part of my decision to not wear make-up. I want to be physically sincere as I struggle to be internally sincere. If I was sure of what I believe, would I feel more comfortable being more assertive? My mother, a loving, thoughtful, and kind Southern Belle, raised me to be hospitable, pleasing, and proper and I find myself nodding and smiling complicity to prevent rocking the boat or making people uncomfortable–lying to myself and others about who I am and what I think.

I am giving myself the greatest gift I could–truth about who I am.